Good Enough!
My heart is filled with compassion for everyone who says or believes they are not good enough.
The other day a trans friend admitted she started questioning (I don't think regretting) her decision to have bottom surgery. A group of trans girls standing with their hot boyfriends on social media stirred this examination within her.
She felt that maybe guys would like her more if she had not had the surgery. Or maybe bigger hips. We can go on. She was clear about how difficult it has been to find love. I hated she was feeling this way. Women are constantly dealing with the question: am I good enough? I find it interesting that the people who should be asking this question are not. Men look in the mirror and see a young Brad Pitt, while women lean toward a negative version of themselves. Gatekeepers dissuade women from challenging subjects while men are gifted opportunities to 'fake it until you make it.'
As I listened to her, my daughter came to mind when I dropped her off at a large, predominantly white public university in 2009. I saw my daughter: as a young 19-year-old Black girl who did not understand that she was good enough. She had everything she needed. I explained to my daughter that she was too hard on herself. She had done the work, made good grades, and knew how to study; she was only missing the wisdom to show compassion to herself.
My advice to my trans friend was to be compassionate with herself. Compassion is patience for life to unfold naturally. We don't have to control everything in our lives. Compassion is to stop comparing yourself to others. You are sufficient. The only woman she needs to be is the woman she wants to be. She is basing her decisions on what others (men) think or feel is unfair to her well-being. Men are too unreliable and unpredictable to believe something as important as bottom surgery, education, birth control, or having children for a woman (trans or cis) to depend on, especially if these men's commitments are not genuine or long-term.
I will consistently tell my trans friends, my daughter, and all the women in my life to not let things (men, social media) make them question their gut, hopes, dreams, or intentions.