Trust Your Gut: Lessons in Love, Strength, and Self-Worth for Trans Women

I called a good friend, Danni, to say hello. Danni is a white transgender woman in her late twenties with a thriving career as a real estate agent. We had not talked in a month, and I wanted to hear how things were going with Danni's new boyfriend. I became concerned when Danni responded with that tone I'd heard before whenever something terrible happened.

Danni explained between her snuffling that she had broken off their relationship a few days earlier. They had been dating for nearly six months, and she saw a future with this guy. Danni complained that he was not very affectionate in public. He reluctantly admitted that he was scared for clients to find out that his girlfriend was transgender. So she broke it off.

Danni was justly hurt. Danni liked this guy because they were around the same age; he made a great salary by owning a roofing company. He had no kids and got along well with his family. She was not looking for perfection, only for a cisgender man to take her seriously.

I have a daughter Danni's age. Listening to Danni made me think about the conversations that I've had with my daughter.

Danni questioned whether she did the right thing; he was a good catch. Maybe he would have gotten past this worry over time. Danni did not trust her gut. Hearing this bothered me deeply.

Your femininity is the source of that knawing feeling that makes her need to challenge a man's intention. Your femininity demands that she suss out the truth. Women are constantly gaslighted not to trust their gut. Danni must trust her feminine nature. Regardless of when you started transitioning, your feminine nature is always with you, and it is what ultimately will protect you.

Danni cried: I'm not woman enough. Feeling sorry for herself, Danni felt more surgeries were justified to assuage his fears. I told her: Stop! You are woman enough. You aren't going to start doing things to please men. A man doesn't deserve that much consideration. You only do it for yourself. You are loved and loveable, and you have everything that you need. There is no reason to be desperate. Yes, your journey is sometimes lonely and hard, but you have so much to be grateful for: your health, family support, and career; you must be patient.

I told Danni it is okay to be hurt and a good cry is good for the soul. This guy's struggles with living authentically have nothing to do with you; it is his problem. I don't want you strapped with his shame or his fears of how society will judge him. You deserve a partner who is strong enough to take on the world with you.

Danni's tears slowly dried up as we continued to talk. After we hung up, it occurred to me that there are probably a lot of trans women struggling with these same challenges.

I want trans women to first listen to their guts. Second, find the courage to trust your intuition when it comes to dating because most of these straight, cisgender men will waste your time. A woman, in many ways, loses her power over time; you don't have the luxury of time like a man. Don't take your power for granted; you have no reason to settle. Third, befriend (not date) a straight, cisgender man who can perceive you as he sees his cisgender daughter or sister; he can be the big brother or have the fatherly advice that supports unbiased conversation.