Building Bridges: The Role of Cisgender Men in Supporting Trans Women
I was speaking with Jesse, my hairstylist, last week while she cut my hair. She has been cutting my hair for three years now. We talk about everything. I know she considers me a safe space in her life. She admitted that her father had contacted her a few days earlier. I knew she was not close with her father, but I did not realize that they had not spoken since she transitioned. My hairstylist is an early thirties Black trans woman. She started transitioning over a decade ago.
I admire that Jesse is a fighter; she is a strong woman. She has been on her own since her transition, but she is also lucky to have her mother's support. At this moment, I realized the role I play in her life. I have a daughter, Jesse's age. It's evident how much Jesse relied on my fatherly advice about dating, career, and life. I asked myself how many young trans women don't have straight cisgender men to give fatherly advice, and specifically older men who have experience and wisdom to pass down as he would give to his own daughter. The woman who transitioned later in life may already be established, have more resources, and, in general, simply be in a different place than younger women in transition.
Regardless, trans women are our daughters and sisters; straight, cisgender men must treat them as so.
I am advocating there needs to be more support from cisgender men, straight, more specifically, to see Trans women as they see the cisgender women in their lives. I believe we can be helpful to your daughter or your sister. Dads and brothers can provide a sense of security and emotional support, possibly reducing the risk of depression and other mental health issues. So many in the transgender, non-binary, and queer community have been disowned or pushed out of the house because of the father's inability to accept their child because of family disapproval and societal pressures.
Dad's not being present, I can see, leads to fear of abandonment, trust issues, and intimacy with others can be a result.
Are there straight cisgender men out there who can be allies? Are there straight, cisgender men who can see her as his daughter and treat her as such?
It is a great thing when a person can find their chosen family. Still, I am advocating that the chosen family is missing a person: the cisgender straight man who has moved up in corporate America, has his kids, has been married, etc.
I wanted to talk about two areas: relationships and career
In regards to men and dating. I am speaking of perceiving straight, cisgender men as partners; not all men are supposed to be romantic partners.
I want trans women to listen to their gut. All women were given this feminine intuition to protect them from physical harm and emotional harm. I wonder if trans women, specifically, are under some level of imposter syndrome and ignore the gut feeling that a pie chart can not back up. Not having your opinion backed up by an Excel spreadsheet makes you a woman, which is why you are so needed in this world.
Now that you've heard your gut, trust it. It will not let you down. Maybe things don't work out as you hoped, but that does not mean you made a mistake. You should not underestimate yourself and your ability to handle what life throws at you. Your choices seem limited regarding eligible decent men to date who will take you seriously and see you as a fully human person. I'm not downplaying that fact, that reality. I'm trying to say: don't let these men waste your time.
In regards to your personal and professional life, I want trans women to equally seek out men who can act as brothers or even father figures, especially when there is not one present. I can understand the desire to be held and loved, but I want you to acknowledge the need that men play in a woman's life.
1. These men who sit at the apex of privilege, especially white men, can motivate and inspire you to find your passion. They can share their stories about how they made it as an entrepreneur. It isn't easy to do something when you don't have a blueprint or help. I would have to believe that because society is doing everything in its power to exclude trans and queer people from the conversation then it forces them into non-traditional roles. Content creator is great. Only fans or sex work is fine, too, but not everyone has the ability or desire to do that. You can't always work at McDonalds or be a Walmart cashier; it does not pay enough. Have you ever thought about being a real estate agent? Hairstylist. A nanny. Have you researched what is missing in the world, and can you provide it?
2. I realize that you are focused on transitioning, but I am advocating their needs to be a good balance between your present moment and your future. In our capitalist society, no one is looking out for your future. Society security will run out near the middle of this century. If you are not lucky enough to work for a company with a matching 401k, achieving 10 times your current annual income will become tough to live comfortably in your retirement age.
In general, I want trans women and queer people to know where ever they are in their transition, well, that is good enough. And, like anything, you can't rush it. This is a journey you are on. Yes, it is a difficult journey, but still, a journey and everything that you desire can happen, but it will need to happen in its own way and its own time.
